


Domine Non Sum Dignus

by DoMeCarisi (orphan_account)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Absolution, Angst, Established Relationship, Heavy Themes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Melodrama, Reunited lovers, Trauma, deep undercover, god I just reread it and there is A LOT of crying, identity crisis, misuse of catholic imagery, sexual healing, soft barba, undercover sonny, yes there is a little bit of smut and it is fairly inappropriate but oh well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 15:37:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14428737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/DoMeCarisi
Summary: “Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling, and domine non sum dignus should be on the lips and in the hearts of those who receive it.” - Oscar Wilde, De ProfundisSonny returns home from a long, difficult deep undercover mission with his faith shaken.





	Domine Non Sum Dignus

**Author's Note:**

> This is the story I hand wrote and left on a plane in Iceland several months ago. I cannot express how difficult it was to confront rewriting it, but I hope it turned out alright. It has undergone a lot of transformation since then, especially with the events of The Undiscovered Country. Even though I've deactivated most of my fandom accounts, I felt I still needed to publish this one.

Rafael knew him.

He had studied him close, lying in bed on late Saturday mornings. The rise and fall of his chest. Slack lips and soft blonde eyelashes, golden in the early day’s light.

He knew every line on his face, sprouting from the corner of his eyes, and carved deep between his brow. The contours of his body and the hollow of his collarbone. The smell of his skin. The earnestness of his laugh.

He had been immediately intrigued by the young detective, so many years ago. But it wasn’t until that cold night in January, with white flakes falling soundlessly around them as they waited on the courthouse steps for a cab, did he have an inkling of what was to come, and the intimacy they might someday share.

To this day, they still argued over who initiated the kiss under the glow of the street lamps on that quiet night. But they would agree that this was the moment they both knew they couldn’t keep pretending. And, Rubicon crossed, the two of them were finally free to admit what they had so long wanted.

Rafael thought back to that night often. Even more so after Sonny left.

But sitting across from him now, Sonny was almost unrecognizable. Hidden in shadow, unkept and eyes lowered. And for one shameful moment, Rafael wondered if the man who returned to him after all this time was was not the same man who had lifted his chin to kiss him on those snowy steps so many years ago.  

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Rafael frowned at how thin and wan his voice sounded, but he wasn’t sure Sonny even noticed. Instead, he just exhaled and leaned back into the couch. Eyes clouded with ruminations that kept him far away from there. Not home yet. Not entirely.

Rafael had been imagining Sonny’s homecoming for months, and it took all of his determination not to close the distance between them and grab his face with his hands to give him a long, hard kiss. To tell him everything he had missed.

An entire summer passing by. Going to Junior’s Deli on their anniversary to buy a cheesecake he couldn’t bring himself to eat. Taking walks in Central Park alone as the days grew shorter, and finally reading the books he thought he’d never get around to. Lucia’s close call.

The room was dark and rain battered the windows, but Rafael’s eyes were trained on him. The peaks and curves of his profile and the soft pout of his lips, blue with the glow of the lights outside. He seemed frozen.

So, they sat together in the quiet darkness of the living room for a long while. Listening to the indistinct voices on the street below. The heavy grumble of buses driving past flooded gutters. Rain against glass.

“They had to pull me out,” Sonny finally said, rubbing his knuckles as he shook his head. It was difficult to tell in the near-lightless room, but they looked swollen. Bruised. His voice was distant and low, and Rafael’s mind started to run wild.

Rafael knew the dangers of the job well, and they had discussed the risks at length. For weeks. Arguing about it fruitlessly. But as persuasive as Rafael could be, he knew he never had a chance of talking him out of it. Sonny knew his calling.

And if they were going to be serious, Rafael needed to be okay with that. Sonny had made that clear.

After he left, Rafael had only managed to obtain a few scant details about his assignment from Liv. Mostly just reassurances of his safety and generalities about the target. Sex trafficking. Corruption. A deep cover operation with the Organized Crime Control Bureau that had been expected to last a full year.

But Sonny was home after six months.

“It just wears on you, you know? Being around scum like that.”

The years had been hard on Sonny. Shaking his faith. He’d seen it the night they sat together and Sonny sobbed against his shoulder, red still dotted through his hair. The fear in his voice as he recounted how close he came. How for a moment, he had resigned himself to die in that house. He could still feel the cold barrel of the gun pressed against his skin, followed by the hot sting of blood in his eyes. The look on Liv’s face as she watched him crumple to the floor.

Things were never the same after that.

Rafael moved closer to him on the couch to place his hand on his. “It’s okay. We don’t need to talk about this now.”

But Sonny continued in tentative, hushed words. Carefully telling Rafael what he encountered while undercover. Recounting his sins. The demons he faced. The fear and the doubt and untethered loneliness. The acts he was forced to condone. _Participate in._ How after a while, he stopped wincing at the abuse in front of him. And eventually, his stomach stopped turning.

Rafael sat next to him, quietly, taking in his confessions. Each admission burning in his chest.

“You were doing your job,” he tried to reassure him. “You were building a case. You might not have been able to save them, but what you sacrificed made a difference. It will help others.”

But Sonny just shook his head.

“At night I’d tell myself that, but it never helped.”

Sonny’s eyes flicked toward the cross hanging on the opposite wall. A small wooden crucifix that had hung in his childhood bedroom so many years ago. It was the last thing they had hung in this room when they first moved in together. Rafael had resisted but eventually gave in. And while Sonny was gone, he found himself looking toward it more and more. For the first time in a very long time, he had found some comfort in it, too.

“Sonny,” Rafael said, pulling his hand into his. Sonny closed his eyes softly at the sound of his own name. “It’s over. This isn’t your cross to bear. You aren’t responsible for what they chose to do.”

“Yeah, but I was the one who just stood there and let it happen.”

“You have no reason to feel ashamed,” he reconfirmed, gently squeezing his hand. He knew that Sonny would have a long road ahead of him to reconcile his what he’d been through, that things wouldn't be fixed in a night, but he felt desperate to offer comfort. But Sonny just shook his head, turning away.

“I don’t need a lecture from _you_ on what’s right and what’s wrong.”

The words pierced deep, stunning Rafael into silence. He could read between the lines. He knew what Sonny meant.

_Drew._

The act that had almost ruined them. The act that Rafael still couldn’t reconcile with himself. Despite what Sonny said, all the reassurances in the months following, Rafael was sure he never looked at him quite the same after that.

His first impulse was to get up and fix himself a drink. It was something he had been relying on too often in the long months since Sonny had left. Something to keep him steady. To blur the edges just enough so he wouldn’t have to overthink.

But instead, he quieted that voice and turned his attention back to Sonny.

“Sorry, Rafi,” Sonny said sheepishly. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

The rain continued to batter the windows, punctuating the silence between them. Sonny heaved a long sigh and leaned back on the couch, but Rafael stayed by his side. He’d wait as long as Sonny needed.

“Before we met, I knew who you were. I’d read about you in class. Saw you on the news,” Sonny looked at the floor. “And then, our paths crossed and I actually got to stand there, next to you. Learn from you. _The_ Rafael Barba.”

A bittersweet smile tugged at the corner of Rafael’s lips. He’d heard this story before.

“You wouldn’t believe how much I looked up to you.”

“I think I might have had an idea,” Rafael responded, softly. Gently.

“And now I-” Sonny couldn’t finish, the hitch in his voice breaking Rafael’s heart all over again. “Now I feel like I’ve let you down in some way. That you won’t look at me the same anymore.”

“Sonny, you’re wrong.” He moved closer to wrap a protective arm around him, noticing that Sonny didn’t shrink away or rebuff him, but instead leaned against him. “Whatever happened, I know you had your reasons and I’m not going to question it.”

He brought his hand to Sonny’s cheek and ran his finger down his jaw, cupping his chin. God, this was the first time they had touched in months and Rafael just wanted to savor the feeling, to sit in the moment and just _feel_ him. But then he looked into Sonny’s eyes. Those big, blue soulful eyes, wet and ringed in red. Desperate and tired and wracked with guilt. And Rafael's heart sank even further. 

“I don’t expect things to be better right this second. I know that this will take time to work through, and believe me, I will get you all the help you need. But Sonny, I need to know that you believe me when I tell you that I love you. I’m not judging you. I’m not disappointed. I could never.”

Sonny nodded, and Rafael pulled him even closer to him.

“We are going to get through this. You’re not alone anymore.”

With that, Sonny’s body racked with a sob, full-throated but muffled against Rafael’s chest. Falling apart, dam breaking. Rafael held him close, hot tears springing to his own eyes. Unable to imagine the weight that Sonny had carried alone for so long. Agonizing over his choices.

For a long while they just sat, together, Rafael offering quiet comfort, slowly rubbing Sonny’s back, and holding space for him to grieve and release and decompress. Grateful to have him home, in any capacity. His cheeks burning as he thought about everything they had been through together, here, on this couch.

Date nights sharing Chinese take-out and watching old movies. Making love for the first time, late one night after too many bourbons, when they just couldn’t wait anymore. The big conversation about moving in together and finally merging their lives.

His chest tightened.

The night Rafael had come home carrying boxes, shoulders hunched. Too exhausted to let the tears fall, until Sonny held him on the couch, _this couch_ , and the reality settled in. Realizing how far their course had strayed. Figuring out what came next.

They had faced so much together already. They’d get through this too.

Rafael was certain.

Eventually, Sonny’s breath returned to normal and the tears subsided, as the rain outside slowed to a drizzle. He pressed his lips to Sonny’s unkempt curls, asking if he’d like to get to bed. Maybe take a shower and get out of the clothes that seemed so wrong for him. Get some much-needed sleep.

Things always have a habit of looking better in the morning.

Sonny didn’t protest, so he took that as agreement and helped him up from the couch, his hand never leaving the small of his back as he walked Sonny to the bathroom. And just like he had done so many other times before, Rafael started to run the water, ensuring the temperature was just right, before leaving to fetch some clean clothes from their drawers.

“Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere,” Rafael reassured him, noticing the relief on Sonny’s face when he returned.

And then they stepped into the shower, with steam rising from their bodies as the hot water rushed over them. Rafael couldn't help but smile at Sonny’s hair hanging around his eyes in heavy ringlets. The warmth and color returning to his cheeks as he helped him wash, scrubbing away the last remnants of his other life. But when his hands grazed over the deep purple bruising spread across his ribs, dappled green around the edges, Sonny winced, pulling back slightly, and Rafael had to fight the urge to ask about it. He knew it wasn’t the time. So he kept his hands soft and tender, rediscovering his body. Over scar tissue, new and old. Near-misses and close calls. New contours to learn.

Even after all these years, he somehow still wasn’t used to the way that Sonny made him feel. The way his arrival into his life had exploded every long-held belief Rafael had about himself. What he wanted from life. What he was capable of.

Love and patience and vulnerability.

Rafael contemplated what they had built together and how far they had come. How this person could open his heart after he was sure it had been long-clamped shut.

How hollow he felt every night when he’d turn over in the dark, hand moving over Sonny’s cold, empty pillow.

And then,  _the thought_ he had been nursing in the background for way too long, _the thought_ that scared and thrilled him, pushed its way to the forefront of his mind. Nearly winding him with the certainty that came with it.

_This was the man he was going to spend the rest of his life with._

And as he accepted his fate, resolving to do something about it the next day, Sonny did something that surprised him. He leaned in, closing the small gap between them, to kiss Rafael. His heart surging, threatening to burst through his chest. Sonny’s lips just as soft as he had remembered.

And like that, they had found each other again. The small, sweet kiss turning desperate and wet, swelling as they pressed their bodies together.

For one flash, it felt obscene. Indulging in something so carnal and base so soon.

But it also felt necessary. A consummation. Reunion. Recommitting to one another at the most basic, vulnerable, intimate level. Restoring their connection with an affirmation of devotion.

He knew it wouldn’t take the pain away or answer any questions or make the path forward any more clear. But sometimes it can help to be reminded what love feels like.

And so that is what Rafael did, skirting his fingers over Sonny’s stomach. Through his wet hair. Between his shoulder blades and down his back.

And before long, they were making love, in total surrender to one another.

Breathing in his scent and dragging his tongue along his neck. Kissing his pulse point and gripping Sonny’s hips as they moved together, slow and steady. A divine rite. The taste of salt on skin. Crying out as they both came, Rafael moaning benediction against Sonny’s mouth.

And afterward, slowly returning to earth, flushed and catching their breath, Sonny wrapped his arms around Rafael, resting his chin in the crook of his shoulder and pulling him tight. Neither of them caring that the water had begun to run cold.

Eventually, they dried off and went to the bedroom. _Their_ bedroom. Rafael pulling back the heavy, dark grey duvet they picked out together. Sonny climbing in, stretching out, and watching Rafael as he joined him under the covers.

And for the first time in months, neither of them were alone.  

But even then, Rafael couldn’t sleep. Instead, he was content to lay silently, looking over at Sonny, the early morning light beginning to break through the clouds. The steady rain replaced by the first birds of the day, chirping outside their window. Resisting the urge to reach out and twist a curl around his finger, to trace along the curve of his jaw. To confirm again that yes, he’s here. He’s home.

In that moment, all that mattered was that they were together. Again, at last.

They’d figure out the rest later.  



End file.
